Opinions please...

[Sgt_Mac]

OK, I know this is TOTALLY OFFBEAT, but, I would like the opinions of those who I trust most... I am a writer. I write poetry. Kinda weird prolly, I know, but, still. I have not wrote in almost two years and started again today. I wrote two poems tonight while sitting around doing nothing. SO.. I would like to ask you all for your opinions. PLEASE BE HONEST. THANKS! :-)


Lost Love Lost Life

The steel vines rips through his heart
As if his heart was never there
For without his one true love
He's forced to breath with no air

For his one true love was his meaning
His meaning to live, love and care
So every night since, he lays in bed
He looks into the stars and stares and stares

He wonders what he did wrong
Did he lie or maybe someone better
So he writes a stupid little love song
And prays his love will return

Weeks go by and still no word
No call, no text, to lousy e-mail
Thinking that this wholes things absurd
He gives up on life, caring, and love

She turns on the news
A boy has died
For it was her lover
She falls and cries

With a message attached
To the hood of his car
It proclaims his love
For his sweetheart a far

The next days news headline
States that another has died
Another young teen as gone
Friends and family cry


It was the tear soaked paper
And those closing words
That let her finally be free..
Free as a bird


Done With It All

Battered blistered beaten and bruised
From him its all she gets
Nothing but abused

Choked strangled and thrown
Each times its done
It adds a broken bone

Three years so by
Shes done with the abuse
She says is time to die

He thrusts towards her
Nothing but shots heard
From her .45 caliber

Shes done with it all
From now till the end
Never again will a man make her fall


Again, please be honest and state what poem you are talking about. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

[Admin]

WOw, they both sound great!! way to go!!

[{ESC}Trippin]

quite a talent you have there mate

[Don_Andos]

i'm not really a fan of poetry and i don't know anything about it
so my opinion is
nr 1
not what i expect from a poem
to long and the words doesn't follow on each other. i'll explain:
in this example the green is good,red isn't
instead of LOVE,it must be a word that follows on HEART.
that did you good with THERE and AIR
when you speak both words,you got the same sound when you read/speak it(its hard to explain.hope you know what i mean)

The steel vines rips through his heart
As if his heart was never there
For without his one true love
He's forced to breath with no air

nr2=
very good
there did you do what i explain with nr1

conclusion:
nr1 :not good
nr2:good

hope you're not mad at me :ebiggrin:

[Sgt_Mac]

The type of writing I do, typically, I wont have any lines that rhyme. Poetry is not all about rhyme or flow. Some of the best poems ever written for one didn't flow like you would expect, did not make sense, or rhyme. Its about the words you chose to describe either a story, something that happend or what not..

The way I write, in all the poems I have ever written were typically describing something that happend to a friend of mine, or a nightmare I had about something happening to someone I do not even know, nor have met. FOR EXAMPLE (This is one I have on a site): http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/dark/po ... ?id=989609

It does rhyme or what not, yet everyone who reads it, love it. Doesn't rhyme flow.. nothing. Just tells a story. It may be a bit longer than most, but, its a story.. and a very dark one at that.

If anyone has anything else to say, please let me know. =]

THANKS FOR THE FEED BACK

[Don_Andos]

The type of writing I do, typically, I wont have any lines that rhyme. Poetry is not all about rhyme or flow. Some of the best poems ever written for one didn't flow like you would expect, did not make sense, or rhyme. Its about the words you chose to describe either a story, something that happend or what not..

The way I write, in all the poems I have ever written were typically describing something that happend to a friend of mine, or a nightmare I had about something happening to someone I do not even know, nor have met. FOR EXAMPLE (This is one I have on a site): http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/dark/po ... ?id=989609

It does rhyme or what not, yet everyone who reads it, love it. Doesn't rhyme flow.. nothing. Just tells a story. It may be a bit longer than most, but, its a story.. and a very dark one at that.

If anyone has anything else to say, please let me know. =]

THANKS FOR THE FEED BACK

like i said:i don't know anything about poetry
now i see you've right with the rhyme stuff
but i've only heard/read poetry (and that is not much) that have rhymes.

[Sgt_Mac]

I understand that. A lot of people only read poems that rhyme. But, what a lot of people do not know is that the types of poetry change constantly. At one point, it was basically all rhyming and flowing, now.. its a lot different but, it is still an amazing work of art.

[{ESC}Mikey]

Sarge ... Great stories buddy :bravo2:

Liked them both