OMG ROFLMAO
Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:02 pm
Saw this on SH forum couldn't help but share!!!!!!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
That sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
Anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for
My wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with
No long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
That if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
Surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
Darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
Spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
Myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
Thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
& blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
Of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
Cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
Protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
Assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with
My reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
My nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would
Shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
Was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
Loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
Purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
Like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
Seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the
While I'm looking at this little device measuring
About 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
Pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
Triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
Way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description,
But I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
Looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
Say, ' don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
Second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't
Hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
Second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
Prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
And . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
Side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
Slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
And over again. I vaguely recall waking up on
My side in the fetal position, with tears in my
Eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
Testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
Tucked under my body in the oddest position,
And tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside
down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too
numb to know for sure and my sense of smell
was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe it came from my hair. I'm
still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being
stupid.'
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
That sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
Anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for
My wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with
No long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
That if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
Surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
Darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
Spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
Myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
Thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
& blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
Of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
Cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
Protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
Assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with
My reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
My nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would
Shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
Was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
Loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
Purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
Like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
Seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the
While I'm looking at this little device measuring
About 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
Pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
Triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
Way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description,
But I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
Looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
Say, ' don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
Second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't
Hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
Second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
Prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
And . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
Side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
Slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
And over again. I vaguely recall waking up on
My side in the fetal position, with tears in my
Eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
Testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
Tucked under my body in the oddest position,
And tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside
down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too
numb to know for sure and my sense of smell
was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe it came from my hair. I'm
still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being
stupid.'